Article by Carlos Po

Photograph by Mike Feng

SMRC is a high school senior, just like you and me. But after school, when she gets home, she reports excessive fatigue and a heightened fear of the next few months. She knows something has begun actively consuming her life. She is case #045 of APS. And she’s not alone.

Acute Pathological Senioritis (APS) is the latest pandemic you’ve heard of time and time again. Keith Moon of the WHO has declared APS a public health emergency. As high school seniors all over the world leave notebooks in classrooms and computer chargers at home, here are the cold facts about APS, free of fear-mongering.

Transmitted through emails and unprotected file-sharing on Google Drive, APS is taking the class of 2017 by viral storm. Though health officials are still in the process of speculating, common theorized focal transmission points include HL classes, Google Doc templates exceeding three pages, and http://www.commonapp.org.

Symptoms of senioritis include excessive levels of sodium chloride and Vitamin L as well as frequent delusions that high school isn’t the most important thing in your life. Patients suffering late-stage senioritis are often indistinguishable from bean bag comforters and ornate rugs. However, perhaps 7he mos7 7elling symp7om, invariably repor7ed across all cases, is frequen7 visual hallucina7ions involving numbers, 7ypically in7egers be7ween six and eigh7.

The Center for Disease Control projects that at any given time, APS may be affecting roughly 80-150% of a given graduating class, and in the culture of hard work leading to success that ISM is immersed in, by 2022, mild symptoms of senioritis will be noticeable among the 9th grade population.

“The measured rate of infection has risen exponentially to the point that conventional methods approved by the international community are unable to successfully contain and quarantine the contagion,” reports senior Francis A., Secretary General of the Model United Nations. Already, grade supervisors are struggling to control the massive influx of diagnosed APS patients, and many more undiagnosed cases are certainly lying in wait.

It’s been theorized by art historians that Edvard Munch’s famous painting The Scream was in fact depicting an extreme late-stage case of APS. The subject of the painting’s elongated arms have been compared to rare cases of APS in which a patient’s have become long and wobbly as a consequence of typing out multiple IAs in a single night, and the alternately blue and orange background is thought to be a simultaneous physical metaphor of the hours from 11 PM to 5 AM.

A proposed radical treatment option includes exposing children as young as middle school to a severely weakened form of APS, brought about by a controversial agent known as “Advocating For Change”, or AFC. Proponents of this treatment argue that this will help prepare the nervous system for the sheer amounts of caffeine consumption that APS is characterized by. Other novel treatments include getting all your work done on time and chilling out about college, as well as unsubstantiated rumors about a permanent cure supposedly only available within the islands and resorts of Boracay, but such prospects remain a distant fantasy.

You never know when a flagged email from a teacher or checking the “Recent” tab of Google Drive can cause APS. Stay safe, high school.

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